Self-written Websites

Every day, in businesses all over the UK, someone who doesn’t want the job is asked to write the company website. If you’re that poor unfortunate, I offer this handy guide to doing it just like all the others in your position do.

1. You only remember two rules from school English lessons. Never start a sentence with ‘and’. And never start a sentence with ‘but’. But as long as you enforce those rules rigorously, the rest of the, like, grammar won’t matter as much. Innit.

2. It’s crunch time at the big Old Bailey trial and you’re the copper in the witness box. You don’t ‘walk down the street’ you ‘proceed along the highway’. Not ‘towards the chip shop’ but ‘in a southerly direction’. And you didn’t ‘see a van’ you ‘observed a vehicle’. That’s the kind of language your website’s crying out for. You don’t want to get too friendly with the punters.

3. Use longer words. Much longer words. Longer words used wherever possible can’t help but convey increased intelligencabilityfulnesserosity. Fact.

4. Short words. Dead short. Use all time. Make site sound more good. You like. Me like. All like.

5. Pretend you’re Jane Austen for the day. Eschew the awful apostrophe and insist, henceforward, upon saying ‘cannot’ and ‘will not’ and ‘we will’ and ‘they shall’. This will make you come across as, I don’t know, more serious and everything. Will it not?

6. Put in some bullet points. Be generous: statistics prove that bullet points make everything 119% more business-like.

  • Just
  • See
  • How
  • Professional
  • This
  • Bit
  • Looks

7. There are only four permissible opening sentences on a self-written company website, and they are these:

We here at (company name)

In the world of (company sector)

If you’re looking for (your product)

When it comes to (activity your product covers)

Don’t try anything different. They’ll come looking for you…

8. Say ‘passion’ a lot. An awful lot. ‘Dedicated’ is another good one. ‘Passionately dedicated’ is like a Scrabble triple-word score: a winner.

9. And finally, as a bonus, a word about pictures for your website. You know Alan? In Goods (Inward)? He’s got an iPhone. Not the latest one, but it takes super snaps. Bob’s your uncle.

And there we have it. Tips for producing the kind of sites you can see all over the web any day of the week. The kind which makes it blindingly obvious that for some companies, ‘that’ll do’ will do just fine.

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