‘Ring ring’

‘Hello, is that Mr Twiddle?’


‘I’m sorry, Tweedle – could I ask if you’re a homeowner?’

‘Well, Santander and I are buying a little place together, but they don’t currently live here.’

‘OK, I’m going to speak very quickly now, and all you’ll really hear are occasional words like ‘free’ and ‘lucky’ and ‘your area’ and ‘exclusive’, but I’m hoping against hope that this frantic ram-raiding of your inner ear will be enough to persuade you to listen to me for the next five minutes.’

‘Well I’m waiting for the laptop to reboot, I’ve already sowed the seeds of the collapse of capitalism, my cure for all known diseases is simmering nicely on the hob and I’m just awaiting the arrival of some felt tips to colour-in my definitive thesis on dark matter, so I’m at a bit of a loose end. Besides, I’m intrigued to find out what, if anything, can shake you off this script, so carry on by all means.’

‘Great! Fantastic! So, would you say that you are very worried, frantically worried, hyperventilating with fear or in a voluntary drug-induced coma due to concerns about burglary?’

‘I’d go for option five.’

‘And would you say your belongings are laughably insecure, pathetically insecure, chronically insecure or insecure to a level that almost qualifies as anti-social behaviour?’

‘Actually, all my belongings are permanently attached to helium balloons lest a miscreant inadvertently rick his back transferring them to the getaway car/van/waiting taxi/amenable and deeply uncurious local bus service.’

‘And, in your opinion, would a suitable state-of-the-art, up-to-the-minute, micro-processed, vertically-mounted, sonically-active, status-quo-disturbing device with tintinnabulation functionality give you more peace of mind, extra peace of mind, double helpings of peace of mind or lashings of peace of mind with extra peace of mind on top? Going forward?’

‘Nothing would give me peace of mind, save a platoon of notably touchy Gurkhas with complete sense of humour bypasses standing shoulder to shoulder around me at all times while a necromancer calls forth all the dark forces to defend me, yea even unto death. Going forward.’

‘(Wearily) Look mate, I’m just trying to flog burglar alarms. Are you interested?’*

‘I think we both know the answer to that.’


* He actually said this. Not that I’m willing to admit that he didn’t say everything else too.

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