DATE: 28th December 2013
PLACE: The 20:00 Edinburgh-Newcastle train
PRESENT: Eight members of the Geordie Branch of the North East League for Intellectual Advancement and Cultural Exchange
EXTRACTS FROM THE MINUTES
(AS RECORDED BY AN ONLOOKER)
20.01 Member A announced to the group that, in his view, here they went, here they went, here they went.
20.02 Several members chorused their assent that, indeed, here they went here they went here they we-ent.
20.05 Member B posited a situation where there were ten green bottles hanging on a wall.
20.10 The guard interrupted the meeting to state that, fair enough, it was Christmas, like, and we’d all had a drink, obviously, but if everyone would pipe down a bit there wouldn’t be any trouble. In response, the meeting invited the guard to haddaway and shite. The guard haddawayed with alacrity; shiting status not ascertained.
20.30 Member C tabled a motion whereby he could foresee a situation where he would be engaging in coitus with member D before the evening’s activities came to a close, no bother. Member D stated that such an event would be unlikely to occur as long as she, Member D, had a hole in her arse and, furthermore, that member C was so challenged in the genital department as to make any claim of coitus difficult to verify.
20.32 Members were quick to agree that Member C was in fact hung like, among others, a dwarf, a pygmy, a pygmy dwarf, a mole, a guinea pig, a gerbil and Keith Chegwin.
Note: some of the following minutes were subject to excessive noise over the points at Berwick-Upon-Tweed and may not be 100% accurate.
20.34 Member C informed the meeting that they were all crunks. Member E replied that, on the contrary, it was Member C who was the crunk, and was in fact a flumping crunk, a fat flumping crunk, a flumping useless fat flumping crunk and, in summary, a flumping ugly flumping useless fat flumping crunk.
20.45 Member B hypothesised that one green bottle might accidentally fall.
21.09 Member F asked someone in the viewing gallery what they thought they were looking at. He also enquired if they wanted some, because if they did want some, he, Member F, would be happy to provide some. Since some was not observed to have been handed across, let the minutes show that the offer was declined.
21.35 Member B concluded that, given the circumstances previously presented, there would be nine green bottles hanging on the wall.
21.40 Member G declared that she had pissed herself, and wondered if that would mean an end to the evening’s proceedings. Member H reassured her that it was only a bit of piss, and therefore a matter hardly even worthy of a mention, and that it would in any event have all have dried off in the taxi to a hostelry to enjoy a small libation once the meeting had ended.
22.58 Member H, having stared out of the window for some time, enquired as to where the flump they were at that moment, to which Member F gave the rejoinder that they were ‘on a train’. The meeting was suspended for several minutes while the members lost the power of speech and rolled around in mirth at this, one of the snappiest retorts the gathering had ever witnessed. It was universally agreed that Member F could show all those overpaid crunks on Live At The flumping Apollo how the job was done properly. Member G confirmed that she was now even damper still.
22.13 The membership prepared to leave the train, several of them concluding proceedings by informing the public in the viewing gallery that they would without question lead significantly better lives if they a) downed a few every now and then, b) got a life, and c) didn’t have a broom handle stuck up their arse(s).
22.20 Meeting was adjourned.by