Category Archives: Uncategorized

Loitering Within Tents

The Boghouse Ballad bangs out nightly from midnight till two in the morning as the doors to every plastic crapper on the campsite slam shut repeatedly, courtesy of the endless trail of the pee-or-bust incontinent, the ever-hopeful bunged-up and those … Continue reading

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The Unkindest Cut of All

When it comes to the question of who cut through the security light cable when they should have been trimming the ivy, I feel that ‘blame’ is too strong a word. ‘Fault’ too has uneccessary connotations of negativity. And ‘boss-eyed, … Continue reading

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Minutes Of The Meeting

DATE: 28th December 2013 TIME: 8pm PLACE: The 20:00 Edinburgh-Newcastle train PRESENT: Eight members of the Geordie Branch of the North East League for Intellectual Advancement and Cultural Exchange EXTRACTS FROM THE MINUTES (AS RECORDED BY AN ONLOOKER) 20.01 Member … Continue reading

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The Bushes Of Giving

I don’t know where you get your Jagermeister, but I get mine dropped off overnight in the rose bushes opposite our front door. The garden’s cared for by the Council, but occasionally a sort of ad hoc Ocado comes into … Continue reading

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Self-written Websites

Every day, in businesses all over the UK, someone who doesn’t want the job is asked to write the company website. If you’re that poor unfortunate, I offer this handy guide to doing it just like all the others in … Continue reading

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A Suspector Calls

I didn’t remember ordering a plump lady with a tabard. But I must have done. There was one in the hall. Admittedly, there’d been a brief knock and a cry of ‘Only me!’, but it was still more than a … Continue reading

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Oh Google, what have you done?

Down in the bowels of the Google acne factory, where the lenses in the spectacles are as thick as the piles of dandruff growing on the hunched shoulders of the adenoidal data monkeys, something has gone seriously awry. If you … Continue reading

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Terminal fatality. With rice.

I like our local Chinese. They’re very welcoming, the food is lovely and, best of all, they allow me to make the kind of mess which would have any highchair-seated inmate at Mrs Tinkle’s Nursery For Gentle Tinies nail-gunned to … Continue reading

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For Sale

Took a trip to Glasgow and came across a new advertising campaign, one I felt deserved a wider audience. As far as I know, it marks the first significant use of a brand new urban media space. And when I … Continue reading

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The Micturition Mambo

‘Hi Andy. I was wondering if you could give the new urine pics a once-over?’ It is the freelancer’s habit to take every phone call in a positive frame of mind. ‘Never say no too soon’ is our mantra. Along … Continue reading

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